• Brian Jonestown

Hallowed be Thy Gains: Josh Storms Shows Us the Whey

Strength and Conditioning. Next to recruiting, it’s the cornerstone of any successful college football program. Because nobody ever won a Natty by skipping leg day, son.

It’s no secret FSU’s S&C program has been the college football equivalent of Planet Fitness. The Average Joe’s to Alabama’s Globogym. The place where it’s arm day everyday.

But, all that changed the moment new head strength and conditioning coach, Josh Storms, became the head master at the school of hard squats. When it comes to shreds, swoles and bulks, Storms knows his shit. He’s a direct descendant of Andrew Jacked-son and brother to Bench-A-Min Franklin. The high fucking priest of the Church of Latter Day Gains.

Over the years, FSU fans, some of buck-nastiest freaks around, have developed their own personal fetish for obsessively tracking the physical development of Florida State football players. Bro, did you see Terry gained 30 pounds of rip? Dude, the offensive line looks stronger yet much leaner! Shirtless Pics or GTFO!

Indeed, you like your football players like your women: With freakish, jaw dropping tits and pant-busting glutes. Who can blame you?

Since we believe in giving the people what they want, here and only here, we bring you the Seminole BRO-case featuring the all of the skin tearing Gods of pump who made the the most progress in the off-season. Bro.

Florida State Weight Room, April 20, 2020, 1:37 P.M.

*Enter Coach Mike Norvell. Coach Storms, seated at a desk amongst beakers and other scientemelogical devices studies a urine sample. Or something*

Coach Norvell: Coach Storms! Sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to drop by and see how the guys were coming along in the gym.

Coach Storms: *Sees Mike Norvell. Quickly chugs urine sample* Oh, hey Coach! Don't mind that it was just ... well ... nothing. Anyway, I'm so pleased with the progress our boys have made in the weight room. Corona Virus!? Hell, the real pandemic is the confirmed cases of Swole-E-Osis that have been spreading around the football team this spring. Best part is, I have quarantined the guys that are suffering from Brovid-19 and they're waiting in the back so you can see em first hand. Hope you have your concealed carry permit, coach, cause we are headed to the fuckin gun show!

Coach Norvell: Excellent news! You know how I love sick gains.

Coach Storms: Sweet! Ok, just a sec. Let me crank up the ol' soundtrack here and we can get going. *turns on 2001 Space Odyssey theme*

So, first we got Akeem Dent. With Akeem, I wanted to increase his overall body composition while still maintaining his lean muscle mass. I think you’re gonna like this ... come on out, Akeem!

Coach Storms: Hey coach, who’s your favorite Star Wars character? Mine’s Han Swolo. Luke ... I am your spotter! Amirite!?

Coach Norvell: Whhhh ... whyyyy does he have tits?

Coach Storms: Oh that, yeah well, it’s what we refer to in the industry as a “side effect.” They will shrink by fall camp, no worries.

Coach Norvell: Cool.

Coach Storms: Ok, next guy I’m truly impressed with. This guy started out looking like a starving orphan from Mogadishu. But, thanks to my rigorous workout and nutrition plan, he went from borderline anorexic to Donald Pump. James Blackman ... get your ass out here!

Coach Norvell: Wwwwwwhaaat the fuck have you done to James Blackman, Storms!? My God, he could breast feed a third-world country with those pecs!

Coach Storms: James Blackman!? More like James Jacked-man! Awww yeah, somebody call the cops cause JB is killing my workouts!

Coach Norvell: [dead silence]

Coach Storms: No huh? Ok, well check this shit out. This next guy isn’t even on the team yet. But, I emailed him all my workouts a few months ago, and he showed up on campus looking like the Pillsbury Fuckin Swoleboy! Chubba Purdy ... come on out!

Coach Norvell: Whhhhhhhaaaat in the fuck, Storms!? Can he even put his arms down by his sides!?

Coach Storms: Well, no, not exactly. But hey Coach, you like Sir-Mix-A-Lot!? Oh. My. Quad. Becky. Look at him squat! Watch him whip ... watch him whey whey! Right, I mean, am I right!?

Coach Norvell: Good shit, Storms. But, What about the players that needed to lose weight? What have you done about them?

Coach Storms: Oh yeah, those disgusting fat bodies. Well, the good news is I have the medicine for those porkers too. I starved them to death with shame, a low carb, high protein diet and plenty of cardio. Check it out. Yo! Brady Scott, get your skinny ass out here!

Coach Norvell: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Look at Brady Scott!!! Thanks, man, I have not laughed that hard since I heard "Lethal Simplicity."

Coach Norvell: Buuttt, wait a damn second. He couldn’t block when he was 300 lbs and now I have to line up Pee Wee Herman at right guard. Storms!! You fuck!!

Coach Storms: Reeeeelax, coach. I got his replacement right here. Yo! Keyshawn Helton! Get out here and show Coach Norvell what my patented "Incredible Bulk" program looks like!

Coach Norvell: I ... don't kn -- I .... he was one of our best receivers, Storms! And you made him look like Chris Farley!!! What have you done!?

Coach Storms: Two Words, Coach: Po-si-tion Change. Also, you may not want to have him running too many routes. Due to the extra weight he put on, his heart could explode at any moment. But hey, you're welcome coach.

Ok, last one. For this guy, we adopted a low calorie diet combined with intense cardio. I think the results speak for themselves. Big Marv!? More like Big Starve!

Coach Norvell: You dickhead!!! Shit for brains, you turned my All-American Defensive Tackle into Tony Hawk!!!

Coach Storms: Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing coach ... WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT!? *Points in other direction to distract Norvell*

*Jumps out of nearby window*

Noles, Bitch!

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