• Brian Jonestown

It’s Still Great To Be Jacory Harris

Tate Rodemaker and Chubba Purdy are young quarterbacks. Young Florida State quarterbacks. And young Florida State quarterbacks are fragile. From the moment they set foot on campus, expectations are through the roof, The pressure to perform is palpable. The margin for error is razor thin. So is the offensive line.

One wrong move, one piece of bad advice, or one ounce of poor coaching and they’re done for. They’re busts. They’re Xavier Lee. Or even worse, they're Deondre Francois. You know this. Mike Norvell knows this.

More so, now than ever, Florida State needs a quarterback who can play at the highest level. We can ill afford another Francois, or Blackman, or Henry, or ... well ... every FSU qb since Jameis Winston. But, proper handling of a young Florida State quarterback is a delicate matter. You can't hand them off to just anybody. You know this. Mike Norvell knows this.

So, in order to ensure the success of his fresh-faced quarterbacks, Mike Norvell summoned the help of the one man who can show them the way. The one man who can not only guide them through the X's and O's, but also teach the intangibles that make quarterbacks great: Confidence; moxy; and swagger. The one man who can turn boys into men.

Head Coach Mike Norvell’s Office, April 24, 2020

*Coach Norvell seated across from Freshmen Quarterbacks Tate Rodemaker and Chubba Purdy*

Coach Norvell: Boys ... I'm sorry ... men, let me just say how pleased we are that you’re here. You're the future of FSU. And, I’m gonna do everything in my power to make sure you both succeed here at Florida State. You believe that don‘t ya, men?

Chubba Purdy and Tate Rodemaker: Yes, Coach.

Coach Norvell: Good. That's real good. So, on that note, I have a very special treat for you today. Something I really think you boys are going to enj --

*Suddenly office door swings open. Former University of Miami Quarterback and Drip God, Jacory Harris, bursts into room.*

Jacory Harris: WOOO HOOO HOOO!!! Da. Fuck, Is. UP. Fellas! Damn, did somebody call for a doctor cause my threads are sick as hell, son!

Coach Norvell: Ah, Jacory! You made it! Come on in, I want you to meet Tate and Chubba. Boys this is —

Jacory Harris: — this is the swaggiest five-star "G" you two have ever seen! Grand Master Suave, Mayor of Spunkadonia, and all-pro quarterback. In Canada. At your service.

*Eyeballs Tate and Chubba up and Down*

Gat-damn player, fuck you say your name was? Chubby? Why your momma name you after a boner?

Peep, I’m gonna show you two L.L. Bean looking maw-fockas what it takes to be elite. How to go shagnasty on the competition like a fine dime piece of puss-cois and I don‘t mean Deondre. I'm talkin whisker biscuits here, boys!

Jacory Harris: Oh, I know what your thinking, what must it be like to be Jacory Harris, the master chief of queef mcbeef? It’s better than a Canadian mouth hug, bruh. I'm talking about a knobber and you know this, son! Do I have a nick name for my penis? Yes, I call it “Ass Interference” cause when it goes long, it always scores. I’m talkin sex here patna! By the way, you jits named your penises yet!?

Tate and Chubba: Whhha ... we uh...

Jacory Harris: Your dicks, fool! The bacon bazooka attached to your nuts!? How can you not have a name for your zipper sausage!? Look, I'm a name em now ... your dick is "Skinny Post" and your dick is "Hump and Run." Also, what I'm about to go over are the keys to winning at this level. Check this!

Jacory Harris: Oh, I know what you're thinking ... do I still get down!? The answer is yes. When I walk into the club, I pull down my pants and the whole room applauds. My kidney smasher gets its own VIP table and a bottle of Henny. Girls carry extra pairs of panties in they purses just so they can throw them in my face. Why? Cause I'm hood rat herdin, big money grippin, Jacory Damn Harris

Jacory Harris: Do I hit ass in Canada!? Like a moose on the loose, son! I only know one phrase in Canadian “Par lay Vu let’s fuck!” And in Canada, they call a fifth of Hennessy a “Mickey” so I tell all the hoes “I’m gon drain this Mickey then you drain my Dickey.” I'm like Phallus in Wonderland so you can call me Walt Jizzney. Why can I do this? Cause I’m bareback huntin, Lamborghini driving, Alligator loafer wearing Jacory Damn Harris.

Jacory Harris: Do I ever throw to my check down!? Hell fucking no! I only know two routes: Chuck it deep and touchdown. When my fingers touch the ball they turn into five giant dicks and they all lookin to score! For the fans, my touchdowns are like when I do the horizontal fandango cause when I'm through, everybody stands up and cheers. How do I do this? Cause I’m Canadian Bitch slayin, Hennessy swiggin, Sex always havin Jacory Damn Harris!

Mike Norvell: Well said, Jacory. Well men, I hope this has been informative. I really think Jacory is going to help you both have a fruitful career.

Jacory Harris: Only fruit I know is the banana I ate off that stripper’s butt in Toronto. I call that Jacory on top, fruit out tha bottom! Why? Cause I’m Jacory Harris and it’s damn good to be me!

Noles, Bitch

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