• Brian Jonestown

"Targeting Your Problems": A Counseling Session with Dontavious "D-Jax" Jackson

Everybody appreciates some good advice from time to time. Thinking about buying that new ride? Contemplating a career change? What to do a about an abusive relationship? No matter what it is, some sagely wisdom from a trusted source goes a long way.

That's where we come in. We here at WSWD care about our FSU family, and want to be there in these uncertain times. And, when it comes to pragmatic, thoughtful, and well-reasoned counseling who could be better qualified to give it than undisciplined, impulsive and downright reckless former FSU linebacker, Dontavious Jackson (“D-Jax”).

In the newest feature to WSWD, "Targeting Your Problems," D-Jax will pounce on life's challenges like he pounces on loose footballs. During this in-depth counseling session, you tell us your worst problems, and mark our words, y’all got some fucked up problems, and D-Jax delivers the solutions based on his own knowledge and expertise. We, of course, will moderate the discussion. So, let's get started. Or D-Jax will punch us.

D-Jax, I got a big biology test tomorrow and I haven’t studied. What should I do? Pull an all-nighter? Thanks, bro. Colton M., Pensacola, FL

D-Jax: Ok first off, ain’t no good come outta studying. Shit, you think I studied the playbook at Florida State!? Hell fuckin naw! I knew two plays: Targeting; and Late Hit. My coach would be like, 3-4 Slice, Eagle, Cover 2 dog, or some bullshit, but all I heard was Dive. On. Pile. After. Play.

So, here’s what you do, bruh. Go to class tomorrow, wait till your teacher is sitting at his desk and ain’t lookin, then spear him with an illegal helmet-to-helmet hit to the chest. BLAUGH!!! While he’s on the ground, fall on top of his ass and steal the answers to the test. When he gets up off the floor and tries to send you to the principal’s office, throw yo hands in the air and act like it wasn’t you.

Studying!? Sheeeat. You must be crazy.

WSWD Moderator: So Colton, you get all that? Assault teacher. Cheat on Test. Play dumb. Nice work, D-Jax. Next question!

Hi D-Jax! I recently lost my husband and was wondering whether I should try to get back out there and start dating again? Would really appreciate your thoughts. Taryn S., Tampa, FL

D-Jax: Damn girl, whatchu doin wasting your time talking to me when your fine ass should be out there fuckin!? Man, I used to go out to the club and tell every bitch in there that my dog just died. I would act all sad, and shit, and for the really fine ones, I would even fake cry. They would be like “Ohhhhh, D-Jax, I’m so sorry for your loss, let me introduce you to my titties” And I would meet em, too. Point is, dead loved ones are naturally aphrodisiatic. It's science, baby you got to use that shit!

Here’s what you do. Dress yourself up nice. Go to a bar, or even a club. Wait till everybody gets crunk as hell, then go into the corner and start crying. Watch, every fool in that place will come up wanting to come to your rescue. Pick the least ugly one, take him home and turn … him … out! *starts gyrating hips in thrusting motion*

WSWD Moderator: [Uncomfortable dead silence]

Hey D-Jax, my name is Payton and I’m in the sixth grade. I have a big cheerleading competition coming up later in the summer and some of the other teams are way better than mine. I really, really want to win. Should I just work harder to get better? Thanks. Payton G., Orlando, FL

D-Jax: No, it’s like I always say: Don’t work harder, Work stupider. When I was completely out of position on a play, or got beat in coverage you think I worked harder? What, you think I ran back to the film room like a bitch to fix my mistakes!? FUCK NO, GODDAMNIT! If I missed a tackle in a game I would just trail the dude from behind, wait for Asante Samuel to bring him down, then dive on that motherfucker and rip his helmet off. If I missed another tackle, I would do the same damn thing except this time, I would kick the dude in the chest. If I gave up a big play? Step on the dude’s fangers when he was on the ground. *Laughs uncontrollably*

What you need to do, P-dog, is go to that competition. Scope out the best team there. When they go up to do a pyramid, or whatever the hell it is y’all do, run at the girls holding up the other girls as fast as you can. Soon as they try to toss them in the air, you hit em’ with the forearm like BLAUGH!!!! When you finish, make the incomplete pass gesture with your hands cause this the NO FLY ZONE YOU CHEER BITCHES!!! They all gonna fall down, probably break their legs, too. After that, bye-bye cheer squad, hello emergency room. If the refs try to throw you out, throw your hands in the air and act like it wasn't you.

WSWD Moderator: You know, D-Jax, we don’t really think violence is the ans –


WSWD Moderator: Sorry, sir. Ok, time for one more.

D-Jax, a bunch of kids at school pick on me and try to beat me up every day at lunch. I’m not really tough, but I know you are. Can you help me? Steven T., Warner Robbins, GA

D-Jax: You came to the right place, Stee-eazy. Maaaan listen, life comes at you fast, dude, and you have to be ready. Like Sometimes, you may be thinking life is gonna throw you a pass on third and long. So, you drop back in cover three. You're back there all ready to drop a sure interception and then ... BAM!; life runs a draw at your ass and tries to knock you out of your fill gap with some big, pork rind eating offensive lineman. That's when you got to illegally chop block life at the knees. If life runs past you for a first down then you got to swoop in from behind and drag it to the ground with an illegal horse collar tackle like BLAUGH!!! Then, when life throws a flag at you, you got to throw your arms in the air and act like it wasn't you and --

When Life Hands you Horses, Make Horse Collars

WSWD Moderator: Uh, D-Jax, I’m not certain you addressed Steven’s question.

D-Jax: Oh right, damn, my bad. Shit, Skee-skee, I don’t know, this is a tough one, dawg. Since you ain’t tough enough to whip these fools straight up, you got to do what I do when I know I’m beat: fight dirty; and commit a penalty. Look, get some giant rocks and a handful of sand. I'm talking some big ass, skull crushing boulder-type shits. Then, hide in the bushes. Wait for them motherfuckers after school. When they walk past you, jump out of the bushes and throw the sand in their eyes. Then, they’re blind and you can hit em with the rocks like BLAUGH!!!

WSWD Moderator: Jeee-sus Christ.

D-Jax: I know, right. Told you had good advice on shit.

WSWD Moderator: Well, that’s all the time we have for this week’s episode of “Targeting Your Problems.” Tune in next time when D-Jax counsels a women from St. Pete about getting an abortion.

D-Jax: Awwww shit. Better wear clean underwear beeatch!


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