• Brian Jonestown

The Daily Bazooka: Bobby Bowden Still Mad at FSU; Will sit on West Virginia side for opener

Tallahassee, FL - Legendary coach Bobby Bowden surprised parishioners at Live Oak’s Church of Christ during a guest sermon delivered via Zoom Conference when he announced he would be in attendance for Florida State's season opener against West Virginia in Atlanta, Georgia. The team he will be rooting for: The Mountaineers.

Nearly 250 members of the Live Oak Church of Christ tuned in on Sunday to hear what they thought would be a guest sermon from the iconic coach on faith and football. Instead, they say Bowden used the time to vent about Florida State. "It was so strange, he started off talking about faith in uncertain times, then all of a sudden started talking about how he thought Al Qaeda was the reason he got fired from Florida State" said long-time parishioner, Maggie Wainwright. "You could tell he was really upset about something."

During the sermon, which Bowden says he named "Why FSU is Farts," the ninety-year old former Florida State coach told attendees that while he would be attending the game in person, his seats are located on the side of the stadium designated for West Virginia's fan base. "Ya know, I just got to thinking, 'heck, I coached at both schools, but only one of them fired me.' So, I figured I would sit with the Mountaineer fans since I guess FSU don't want me over by them" said Bowden during the nearly hour long rant.

Bobby Bowden is Angry

Parishioners who attended Bowden's sermon also said Bowden stated he could have won a national championship if Florida State had extended his contract. "At one point, he tried to get everybody to start chanting 'one more year! one more year!' while pounding his fists on the desk. Nobody would do it so he just quit. It was bizzare" said Kevin Harding, a long-time member of Live Oak.

Bowden, who was ceremoniously dismissed from Florida State after the 2009 season, appeared on camera wearing a full, buck-skin Mountaineers' costume complete with the iconic raccoon fur cap. He could also be seen gripping a musket which he discharged several times during his sermon while screaming. He says he believes the team's recent struggles are largely due to the fact that God is angry at FSU for the way he was treated. Bowden explained to the congregation "Y'all know, that throughout the Bible when you make God angry he sends a pox on your house. In this case, God sent Willie Taggart."

Former FSU Head Coach Bobby Bowden Loves West Virginia

Ann Bowden, who briefly appeared on the video wearing a similar outfit to that of her husband's, also weighed in on the subject. "Well, I will say this, since they fired Bobby, [FSU] has been the football equivalent of gonorrhea. Yeah, they had a good run for a spell, but that's what happens when you make a deal with the devil. Now, the chickens are coming home to poop in the shed. Florida State is poop." Mrs. Bowden also stated she is looking forward to attending the game with her husband and burning furniture in the parking lot. "I'm Lookin forward to a good ass whoopin, if that's what you mean" Mrs. Bowden stated during a recent telephone interview. "I'm gonna set me some sofas on fire, too. Because I believe couch burning is a victimless crime."

Bowden concluded the sermon by asking the parishioners to pray for Jimbo Fisher to have diarrhea all week, and for FSU to offer Bowden a new contract as the head coach. "Golly, I have been out of the game for so long, but I do think I still have a lot to offer. Been studying up on some new offensive schemes, and I really like that new 'Wishbone' offense I've been seeing. The 'Single Wing' is great too. Knute Rockne ran that thing to perfection, boy let me tell you." Florida State officials refused to comment on the sermon, but did indicate they have no plans to replace current head coach, Mike Norvell, who took the job in 2019.

Florida State opens its season against West Virginia in the Chic-Fil-A Kickoff Classic in Atlanta on September 5, 2020.

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