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The WSWD Daily Bazooka

NCAA To Model Social Distancing Guidelines for 2020 Football Season After University of Miami‘s Empty Stadium


Indianapolis, IN - The NCAA announced Tuesday that it is currently working to prepare new social distancing guidelines for the 2020 college football season that will reduce the number of fans attending home games. It’s guidepost: The University of Miami.


Shortly after it cancelled all spring sports due to the Covid-19 Pandemic, the NCAA began conducting a survey of all 130 institutions at the FBS level over the last two decades in order to determine compliance with soon to be implemented restrictions on home game attendance.

Schools received favorable scores based on factors such as poor home attendance, number of empty parking spots, number of fans wearing masks and other protective gear, distance between each fan in attendance, and percentage of fans engaging in non-obligatory, self-imposed quarantine in their homes instead of actually going to the game. Out of 130 schools, Miami received the highest grade.



Record attendance at Miami’s home game vs. GT


“For decades, The University of Miami’s empty stadium has been a model for current social distancing guidelines“ said NCAA spokesperson, Mark Duke, in a statement released on Tuesday. “Even before the outbreak of the pandemic, Miami fans were practicing social distancing by staying away from Hard Rock Field on Saturdays. The fans that did attend also engaged in the ground breaking social distancing practice of chasing other fans away with the use of foul language and enhanced body odor.”

On Wednesday, Miami responded to the news by praising its fanbase, and the NCAA‘s decision. The school stated that it would continue to meet the highest standards for poor home attendance and fan generated armpit cheese in an effort to comply with NCAA directives.

Miami Athletic Director, Blake James, in a statement released on Wednesday, stated “Our fans have always made sure that not a single soul would want to be within ten yards of them after they have consumed three quarts of malt liquor. Today is truly a proud day to be a Hurricane.”


Hurricane fans routinely sport protective masks and body odor

Until now, Miami had never received such high marks from the NCAA. In February, the school topped the governing body’s list of “Number of Rodent Craps Found in Hot Dogs” and in March found itself ranked second in the nation behind the University of Arkansas in “Fan Use of Homophobic and Racial Slurs.”

“We never get an ‘A‘ rating in anything other than car stereo larcenies and parking lot fights so it’s nice to finally be recognized“ said Blake. “We may not be great at football, but when it comes to keeping fans away from home games, the University of Miami is the defending National Champion.”



Miami fans show why they are ranked #1 in sucker punches

The NCAA did not set a timetable for when its new social distancing guidelines would be released, but did say it was continuing to evaluate footage of crowd shots at Hurricanes‘ games which will serve as a basis for its new regulations. NCAA Board members were quoted as saying “We want it to where there won’t even be enough fans to storm the field after an upset win. That is why we are looking at Miami to lead the charge here.”

For now, it’s unclear what the future will hold for the 2020 season, or even if there will be a season at all. But, what is clear is that no matter whether there is football in the fall or not, fans of the University of Miami probably won’t notice.




Noles, Bitch


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